Dr. Nicole's Be A Blessing Blog

Be a Blessing: Building Strong Family Bonds with Your Children

2012-02-11T18:00:00.000-08:00

It's tough work building and securing your parental bond with your children. It takes time and intentional focus! Be a Blessing for your family by making the consistent choice to build your family bonds. Here are a few ways to strengthen your relationship with your children.

1. Say I Love You
Tell your child you love him every day -- no matter his age. Even on trying days or after a parent-child disagreement, when you don't exactly "like your child's behavior" at that moment, it is more important than ever to express your love. A simple "I love you" goes a long way toward developing and strengthening a relationship.

2. Share Your Love for God
Teach your child about God. Tell him what you believe and why. Allow time for your child to ask questions and answer them honestly. Reinforce those teachings often.

3. Let Your Children Help You
Parents sometimes inadvertently miss out on opportunities to forge closer relationships by not allowing their child to help them with various tasks and chores. Unloading groceries after going to the store is a good example of something that children of most ages can and should assist with. Choosing which shoes look better with your dress lets a child know you value her opinion. Of course, if you ask, be prepared to accept and live with the choice made!

4. Play With Your Children
The key is to really play with your children. Play with dolls, ball, make believe, sing songs, etc. It doesn't matter what you play, just enjoy each other! Let kids see your silly side.

5. Eat Meals As A Family
Eating together sets the stage for conversation and sharing. Turn the TV off, and don't rush through a meal. When schedules permit, really talk and enjoy one another. It can become a quality time most remembered by young and old alike.

6. Carve out One-On-One Opportunities Often
Some parents have special nights or "standing dates" with their children to create that one-on-one opportunity. Whether it is a walk around the neighborhood, a special trip to a playground, or just a movie night with just the two of you, it is important to celebrate each child individually.

7. Make Them A Priority In Your Life
Your children need to know that you believe they are a priority in your life. Children can observe excessive stress and notice when they feel you are not paying them attention. Sometimes, part of being a parent is not worrying about the small stuff and enjoying your children.

8. Respect Their Choices
You don't have to like their mismatched shirt and shorts or love how a child has placed pictures in his room. Parents can help to foster those decision-making skills by being supportive and even looking the other way on occasion.

Take time to Be A Blessing to your children...they grow up so fast, and every day is special!

Dr. Nicole

Be A Blessing: Providing Emotional Support for Your Child

2012-01-23T09:47:00.000-08:00

It’s a fact of life….your child will have to learn to cope with emotional issues and even conflicts. As the parent, you can be there to listen and care, and offer support without judgment. The open expression of love and patience are critical, as many young children are hesitant to verbalize their fears and emotions.

Try to set aside some time to discuss your child's worries or concerns. To minimize distractions, turn off the TV and let voice mail answer your phone calls. This will let your child know that he or she is your first priority.

Other ways to communicate openly and lovingly include:
· Talk as frequently as possible with your child as you can.
· Set a good example by also taking care of your own physical and emotional needs.
· Gather feedback from your spouse, immediate family members, friends, your child's doctor, pastor, rabbi, or teachers about how they see your child coping and behaving.
· Improve communication at home by having family meetings that end with a fun activity (e.g., playing a game, making ice-cream sundaes).
· Enjoy favorite activities or hobbies with your child.
· Seek the help of a licensed psychologist, if you believe your child may need more support than you can provide. (see my previous blog on knowing when your child needs to see a psychologists).

Loving Parenting involves taking time to talk to your children about what they see, hear, and think so you can help them understand and cope with the strong feelings often associated with life.
Be A Blessing to your kids!
Dr. Nicole

Be A Blessing: Tips for Balancing Holiday Time with In-Laws

2011-12-02T08:03:00.000-08:00

when both husband and wife work, the pressure of holiday stress is often multiplied by ten! Caring for their kids always comes first. Then, because both partners are working, there is limited time left over for shopping, cleaning, and nurturing their relationship, much less seeing the IN-LAWS. It is possible to Be a Blessing to your In-LAWS and still have your own family time!

First, be loyal to your mate. Don't allow your parents or your IN-LAWS to pit you against each other. Present a united front by stating something like, "I am checking with my sweetie about the plan this year and we will get back to you".

Second, accept that you can't make all your IN-LAWS or your parents'happy'. There will likely be some tough choices to make. But, don't torture yourself with guilt.

third, strive to involve your IN-LAWS in your plans. set aside some time for a simple but charming tradition, like an hour of caroling or a evening of hot chocolate and cookies.

Fourth, make a decision and stick with it. Don't be afraid to make a choice. You just may not be able to see everyone and that is 'OK'.

Last, inform everyone of your plans immediately. By sharing your plans early with your IN-LAWS, you give them a chance to settle in on the what the plan is and accept it.

Also, Be A Blessing by taking care of yourself too this holiday season! Remember that you are important and have fun!

Dr. Nicole

How NOT to Eat Your Feelings

2011-08-22T10:01:00.000-07:00

It can be tempting and even unconscious...eating unhealthy through stressful times! You can avoid this by being mindful of your feelings, making consistent healthy and yummy food choices readily available, and participating in well-timed exercised!

Here are a few Be A Blessing tips:

Don't let yourself get beyond hungry! Eat small meals and snacks throughout the day. Make healthy food choices, including source of protein in meals and snacks.

keep a log or journal so you can become aware of you stressful times. If you know that you are most stressed after work, keep food that is prepared and waiting for you at home...if you want salty and sweet, keep yogart, gronola, almonds, and fruit.

If you get stressed while driving keep foods in your car that are crunchy and plan a different route home. A route that does not include easy access to fast-food shops.

Exercise. Plan your work-out for immediately following work. Go running, go to the gym, participate regularly in a yoga class.

Lastly, wait on dessert. Give your body time to let you know how it feels about dessert. Wait 15 minutes after meals before deciding on high-calorie dessert. You may find that you are 'full' and can skip dessert!

Be a Blessing to your body by planning ahead for what to eat through when having stressful feelings.

Dr. Nicole

Managing Middle School Mania

2011-08-11T16:55:00.000-07:00

Welcome Back!

It's time for school and that means school transitions....the move from elementary to middle is one of the biggest and most challenging your child will encounter!For a kid, going to middle school is often a big change:

First, it often means moving to a new building, which takes some time for kids to adjust to.
Second, it may mean taking a different bus, with new peers and more varied ages.
Third, your kids friends from elementary school may end up going to different middle schools.
Lastly, the dreaded PEER PRESSURE issue picks up intensely.

Solving Problems

Middle school is a fabulous time to help your kids build social skills for life! Encourage your tween to make new friends. Let them know that their best friend may not be in any of their classes or that they may not see them at lunch. You may also need to push them to try joining a club, sport, or activity. It's a great way to get to know other kids. Being in these groups also can help your tween feel more at home at their school. Talk with the school counselor if you don't see gradualimprovement in your tween's social comfort.
If you find you're kid is having trouble with schoolwork or friends, don't panic but do get help. Talk to the teacher for extra help or consider a tutor. Just don't wait too long to help your kid when you see the signs of academic struggle.

Peer Pressure
Helping your middle school kids deal with negative peer pressure takes a lot of patience and understanding. The pressure kids can face to engage in dangerous activities is extremely high these days. Your kids will be offered everything from cigarettes, to marijuana, to speed (Ritalin)and even household inhalants...including the latest craze, huffing Freon! Its well worth the effort to help your kids resist peer pressure.

Here are a few Be A Blessing tips:
Strengthen Family Ties - How can you support your them? Spend time together. Point out their strengths. Listen to their opinions. Talk about their day. Simply showing you care encourages them to stay out of trouble.
Set Clear Rules - Let your kids know where you stand on important issues. Clear guidelines and consequences help kids do the right thing. Example: “Drinking alcohol is against the law. If you drink, you will lose all privileges for at least one month.”
Practice Saying “No” - Talk with your kids about difficult situations he or she will probably face. Ask how he will handle them. Together, come up with answers he can use to resist pressure. For drugs, she might say, “No way. I don’t want to change who I am". Besides, inhalants can kill you!”
Share Your Experience - Let your kids know about the pressures you face - and how you handle them. For example, a co-worker asks you to lie to your boss about a mistake. Discussing the positive steps you took to resolve your stressful situations will give your kids ideas and strategies they can use later.

You can still be a powerful blessing to your kids in middle school. Don’t back off on your parental involvement through their tween years!
Dr. Nicole

Be A Blessing: Co-Parenting- Do's & Don'ts

2011-05-09T09:18:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, the divorce rate is high in our country. In addition, there are unmarried couples who have children and then later end their relationship. Typically within these situations there is a potential for a great deal of strong emotions; such as resentment, disappointment and pain. The children may be shuffled between two homes, where little or no co-parenting exist. Co-parenting is a phrase used to describe divorced or separated parents who are sensitive to their child's distress and who learn techniques that avoid putting the children in the middle. When families must be reorganized, its vital that parents adjust their parenting to adapt to the needs of their children under the new circumstances. The following are a few be a blessing Do's and Don'ts for co-parenting.

Carefully consider whether you are engaging in any of these 'Do Not' parenting behaviors?

The Don'ts

Don't undermine your child's relationship with the other parent, such as using your child as a pawn to "get back at" or hurt the other parent.

Don't pressure your child to choose sides when there's a conflict in scheduling.

Don't make negative comments about the other parent in presence of your children.

Don't turn your child's events (i.e., sport games, birthday parties, etc...) into competition between you and the other parent.

Don't use your child as a mediator or messenger.

Don't give your children adult roles, such as depending on your children for companionship and support because you're hurt and lonely.

Don't jump to conclusions about the other parent when a conflict arises. Children may manipulate rules in an attempt to gain something they want.

Don't inflict guilt on your children when they express a desire to spend time with the other parent.

Here are a few positive actions parents can apply to help establish a co-parenting relationship that is calming and reassuring to your child.

The Do's:

Do make a plan that shows focused intent on meeting the needs of your children.

Do use a business or colleague-like tone that is relaxed, respectful, and neutral when communicating with the other parent.

Do show restraint. Make a strong and decisive decision not to allow your differences to rule your behavior.

Do negotiate and agree on the best way to keep stress to a minimum for your children under situations such as visitation transitions, holidays, or events.

Do establish the easiest path to least conflict, regarding regular communication (i.e., email, text, or phone) with the other parent about your child. Then stick to that mode of communication, unless both agree to a change.

Do work with the other parent to solve unexpected problems. Children who see their parents continue to work through problems are likely to learn effective and peaceful problem solving.

Do utilize the help of a neutral party (trusted friend, minister, mental health professional) when uncertain of how to defuse conflict with the other parent.

Do acquire the help of a psychologist if you see your child's behavior change, as a result of detrimental interactions between you and the other parent.

Quite clearly co-parenting can be a serious challenge when only one parent shows consistent affirmative behavior. Still, be a blessing to your child by staying committed to maintaining your own emotional integrity....even if the other parent does not do the same.

Dr. Nicole

Be A Blessing: Your Child's Self Esteem

2011-04-05T06:33:00.000-07:00

How do you raise a child to strive for whatever they may want out of life? A healthy sense of self esteem is the key! Self esteem gets your child to try new things even with the possibility of failure. A healthy self esteem can be a strong defense against the inevitable trials of life.

Ways to promote healthy self-esteem in children:

Look for opportunities to be a positive mirror. Reflect positive images to your child by telling him that he's fun to be with, that his opinions and desires matter to you, and that his behavior pleases you.

Teach your children about God, their family background, and highlight their special qualities. This allows kids to learn how truly precious and unique they are. This leads kids to take pride in who they are and their behavior.

Look for opportunities to genuinely praise your child's behavior and choices. For example, 'I like the way you picked up your toys' or 'Thank you for playing nicely with your brother.' Also, praise their effort and patience. For example, 'I like that you took time to review your homework'.

Teach them that good problem solving is powerful. Kids who learn to solve problems acquire a sense of control and inner strength. Give younger kids choices such as choosing between 2 outfits to wear. Give older kids choices about chores, such as 'Do you wanna help with mowing lawn or vacuum today?'

Children need the emotional and physical protection provided through rules and limits in order to have healthy self-esteem. Undisciplined children tend to have lower self-esteem and be more dependent upon others.

Teach your child to set both short-term and long-term goals. Setting goals helps kids accept responsibility and learn that their current actions can have a meaningful effect on their future.

Encourage children to express their feelings, not holding them inside. Kids need to know that they can express their feelings in an appropriate and controlled manner. Model and teach your child that their is a balance to expression of feelings. Either too much control or too much emoting can both produce problems in adult life.

Don't forget about yourself. Parents may need to improve their own self confidence. If you have problems that are interfering with your ability to remain calm and parent effectively, get psychological help so your parenting can Be A Blessing to your child!

Dr. Nicole

Be A Blessing: Relieving Your Child's Stress

2011-03-13T15:26:00.000-07:00

Stress!! It affects kids of all ages! Kids can be stressed by fears of monsters under the bed or in the closet...changes in their day to day routine or family, such as new sibling or mommy's new job...transitions, such as from middle school to high school or a move to a new home.

Parents can Be A Blessing by helping their child manage stress. Parents need to keep lines of communication open. Include your children in family discussions and take note of any changes they mention in friends, activities, and school work.

Parents should be aware that some symptoms of stress in kids are physical. Young children struggle to communicate their feelings directly and may display stress differently than an older child or adult. Their stress can be expressed through physical symptoms that have no medical basis; such as frequent stomaches, headaches, flu-like symptoms, and even complaints about leg or arm pain. Children under stress may even show a developmental regression to bedwetting and separation anxiety.

Some ways for kids to relieve stress are:

Breathe Deeply...Yes, taking slow deep breaths really does lower stress. Encourage small children to learn deep breathing via use of blowing bubbles. It's both fun and decreases stress!

Take Action...Get your kids outside! Run, jump, skip, dance, kick a soccer ball, shoot a basketball. Encourage your kids to stretch and move their muscles.

Draw and Color It Out...Your child can draw a picture or color in a coloring book. Art is a fabulous medium for pouring out feelings.

Relax & Chill...Make sure your kids are getting enough rest. Recent research shows that children actually benefit from more sleep than we originally thought. Pay close attention to the amount of sleep and down time that works best for your child.

Writing...Encourage your child to keep a journal or diary. Writing can be short or long, the focus should be on the expression of emotions. Similar to adults, journaling can help kids clarify thoughts, feelings and expectations. This often leads to the release of stress.

Don't forget to Talk about it. Once you identify the source of stress for your child, encourage your child to share their feelings and help them make an action plan to cope with the stress. If the stress is having an overwhelming or long lasting impact on your child, she may need a psychologist to help her build effective coping skills and express feelings.

Dr. Nicole

Be A Blessing: Parenting Negative Behavior

2011-03-01T08:10:00.000-08:00

The following tips will help parents Be A Blessing to their child by using methods that have been proven to provide children with a positive sense of self and security.

Use Action, Not Words

Statistics say that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day! No wonder our children become "parent deaf!" Instead of nagging or yelling, ask yourself, "What action could I be more effective" For example, if you have nagged your child about picking up his socks when he takes them off, then only wash socks that are in the laundry. Action speaks louder than words.

Give Children Appropriate Ways to Feel Powerful

If you don't, they will find inappropriate ways to feel their power. Ways to help them feel powerful and valuable are to ask their advice, give them choices, let them help you balance your check book, cook all our part of a meal, or help you shop. A two-year-old can wash plastic dishes, wash vegetables, or put silverware away. Often we do the job for them because we can do it with less hassle, but the result is they feel unimportant.

Use Natural Consequences

Ask yourself what would happen if I didn't interfere in this situation? If we interfere when we don't need to, we rob children of the chance to learn from the consequences of their actions. By allowing consequences to do the talking, we avoid disturbing our relationships by nagging or reminding too much. For example, if your child forgets her lunch, you don't bring it to her. Allow her to find a solution and learn the importance of remembering.

Use Logical Consequences

Often the consequences are too far in the future to practically use a natural consequence. When that is the case, logical consequences are effective. A consequence for the child must be logically related to the behavior in order for it to work. For example, if your child forgets to return his video and you ground him for a week, that punishment will only create resentment within your child. However, if you return the video for him and either deduct the amount from his allowance or allow him to work off the money owed, then your child can see the logic to your discipline.

Withdraw from Conflict

If your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or being angry or speaking disrespectfully to you, it is best if you leave the room or tell the child you will be in the next room if he wants to "Try again." Do not leave in anger or defeat.

Separate the kid from the chaos

Never tell a child that he is bad. That tears at his self-esteem. Help your child recognize that it isn't that you don't like him, but it is his behavior that you are unwilling to tolerate. In order for a child to have healthy self-esteem, he must know that he is loved unconditionally no matter what he does. Do not motivate your child by withdrawing your love from him. When in doubt, ask yourself, did my discipline build my child's self-esteem?

Be Kind and Firm at the Same Time

Suppose you have told your five-year-old child that if she isn't dressed by the time the timer goes off, you will pick her up and take her to the car. She has been told she can either get dressed either in the car or at school. Make sure that you are loving when you pick her up, yet firm by picking her up as soon as the timer goes off without any more nagging. If in doubt, ask yourself, did I motivate through love or fear?

Be Consistent, Follow Through

If you have made an agreement that your child cannot buy candy when she gets to the store, do not give in to her pleas, tears, demands or pouting. Your child will learn to respect you more if you mean what you say.

Psychologist recommend using Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMS)

With our busy lives, we are often thinking about the next thing that we have to do, instead of putting attention on what our child is saying to us. We often pretend to listen or ignore our child's attempts to communicate with us. If we don't give our child GEMS throughout the day, he will often start to misbehave. Negative attention in a child's mind is better than being ignored. This is a positive way to deter negative behavior before it starts!

Be A Blessing to your child today!
Dr. Nicole

Be A Blessing: How Parents can Prepare their Child with Autism for Holidays

2010-12-09T10:49:00.000-08:00

Routines and structure are more difficult to maintain during the chaos of the holidays, and kids with autism must deal with new faces, places and a disruption of their schedules. And, since many children with autism are also sensitive to noise, touch and light, the din of the holidays can become disorienting and overwhelming. This can mean a new level of stress and anxiety.

The following are tips provided by medical experts, educators and families of kids with autism. Hoping these will Be A Blessing for making the holidays more fun for everyone involved:

-Plan ahead whenever possible. Compile a list of activities that can help your child fill his or her time wherever you go.
-Use rehearsal and role play to give children practice ahead of time in dealing with new social situations, or work together to write a "social story" that incorporates all the elements of an upcoming event or visit to better prepare them for that situation.
-If you are going to visit family or friends, make sure there is a quiet, calm place for retreat.
-Keep an eye out for signs of anxiety or distress, including an increase in behaviors such as humming or rocking - they may indicate it's time for a break.
-Engage kids with autism in repetitive activities such as stringing popcorn for trimming the tree.
-Practice unwrapping gifts ahead of time, which will help a child with autism learn the understanding and the meaning of gifts.
-Take toys and other gifts out of the box before wrapping them. It is more fun and less frustrating if a child with autism can open the gift and play with it immediately.
-Try to relax and have a good time. If you are tense your child may sense that something isn't right.
-Get a list of gift ideas for relatives from your child's teacher and therapists.
Don't shield your child from the extended family.

Carefully consider these tips for preparing your child and you will Be A Blessing this holiday season.

Be A Blessing: Staying Aware of Your Child's Eating and Body Image

2010-05-17T15:34:00.000-07:00

Parents are play a major role in shaping a child’s emotional health and eating lifestyle. When parents are themselves preoccupied with body image and weight they increase the risk of their children developing eating disorders. As a Child and Adolescent Psychologist, I have treated cases of Bulimia and Anorexia Nervosa disorders in as young as age 9. Additionally, environmental expectations can be high for children. Food restriction and the use of hormones have become increasingly common practices for children and adolescents in certain competitive sports. For many children with disordered eating there is an underlying emotional component, such as trauma and significant life changes. Parents who are aware of potential eating issues, and sensitive to their child’s developmental stage are better equipped to foster healthy expression of emotions.

What parents can do to foster healthy eating and emotional health:
·Create a healthy eating lifestyle at home.
·Offer your child healthy foods, prepare at least three nourishing meals a day; be sure to eat those meals together with your child and family as often as possible. Your child learns by imitating your behaviors.
·Never skip meals.
·Keep your lifestyle active and expect your child to do the same. If children are too sedentary, turn off the television and encourage activity.
·Spend quality time with your child. Read together; go for walks.
·Become aware of your own personal attitudes about eating, body image, and weight control.
·Take notice if you encourage your son to eat so that he can grow big and strong, yet caution your daughter against becoming fat? Such tendencies are not beneficial to your child’s attitude about body image and food.
·Never force your child to “clean her plate,” giving her a sense of not being in control of her own food.
·Do not criticize your own or your child’s weight, shape or size.
·Don’t tolerate casual derogatory comments about other people’s weight and physical appearance. Children take to heart and personalize what you say.
·Encourage your child to become aware of her feelings and to express them freely. Communicating through the use of words diminishes the odds that anxious feelings will be expressed through food-related behaviors.
·Don’t allow your child to overdo athletics or sports activity
·Be involved and aware of what the coach is communicating to your child about weight and eating. Be prepared to step in where you believe things have become unhealthy or extreme.
·If you believe your child has developed an eating disorder, seek professional help from a licensed Clinical Child Psychologist or Psychiatrist

Children are always watching and hearing how their parent feels about and expresses their own weight concerns. Be A Blessing to your child’s emotional development by staying aware of how your current responses to your weight may be affecting your child’s behavior and feelings.

Dr. Nicole

Be A Blessing: Does my child need to see a Psychologist?

2010-03-01T11:13:00.000-08:00

There are times when children, like adults, can benefit from psychological therapy. Psychologists can help children and families cope with stress and a variety of emotional and behavioral issues. Therapy can help a child develop problem-solving skills and also teach them the value of seeking help. Many children need help dealing with stress associated with homework, bullying, or peer pressure. Others need help to discuss their feelings about family issues, particularly if there's a major transition, such as a divorce, move, or serious illness.

Identifying signs in your child that may suggest she needs to see a Psychologist is important. Significant life events such as the death of a family member, friend, or pet; divorce or a move; abuse; trauma; a parent leaving on military deployment; or a major illness in the family can cause stress that might lead to problems with behavior, mood, sleep, appetite, and academic or social functioning. In some cases, it's not as clear what's caused a child to suddenly seem withdrawn, worried, stressed, or tearful. Some children who are not yet school-age could benefit from seeing a Developmental or Clinical Psychologist if there's a significant delay in achieving developmental milestones such as walking, talking, and potty training, and if there are concerns regarding autism or other developmental disorders.

Additional signs that your child may benefit from seeing a psychologist include:
*Learning or attention problems (such as ADHD)
*Behavioral problems (such as excessive anger, acting out, bedwetting or eating disorders)
*Significant drop in grades
*episodes of sadness, tearfulness, or depression
*social withdrawal or isolation
*being the victim of bullying or bullying other children
*decreased interest in previously enjoyed activities
*Overly aggressive behavior (such as biting, kicking, or hitting)
*Sudden changes in appetite (particularly in adolescents)
*Insomnia or increased sleepiness
*Excessive school absenteeism or tardiness
*Mood swings (happy one minute, upset the next)
*Development of or an increase in physical complaints (such as headache, stomachache, or not feeling well) despite a normal physical exam by your doctor
*Management of a serious, acute, or chronic illness
*Signs of alcohol, drug, or other substance use
*Behavior problems following transitions (related to marital separation, divorce, or move)

Once you decide that your child should see a Psychologist, you may be concerned about how to tell her. It's essential to be honest about the appointment and why your child (or family) will be going. Explain to young children that this type of visit to the doctor doesn't involve a physical exam or shots. You may also want to stress that this type of doctor talks and plays with kids and families to help them solve problems and feel better. Your child might feel reassured to learn that the Psychologist will be helping the parents and other family members too. Older children and teens may be reassured to hear that most of the things they say to the therapist is confidential and cannot be shared with anyone else, including parents or other doctors, without their permission. Giving a child this kind of information before the first appointment can help set the tone, prevent your child from feeling singled out or isolated, decrease anxiety, and provide reassurance that the family will be working together on the problem.

If you feel your child might have an emotional or behavioral problem or needs help coping with a difficult life event, trust your instincts. By recognizing problems and seeking help early on, you can Be A Blessing to your child and your family, as you move through the tough times toward happier, healthier times ahead.

Dr. Nicole

Be A Blessing: Homework Homeostasis

2010-02-15T10:07:00.000-08:00

As a psychologist who often treats children with social and academic stress, it’s common for parents to ask “When do I help my child with their homework?” It can be a tricky question to answer. One of my Be A Blessing rules of thumb for helping with homework is to help only with a minimal amount of assistance to your child, allowing them to be productive. For example, parents can call-out spelling words, or check over math problems after your child has completed the work. But, if the work is something the child should clearly handle alone and can learn from the process then the best help is ‘none’. Here are some Be A Blessing tips for keeping the homework homeostasis in your house.
Certain rules should be set about the family phone during study hours. The more people in the household, the more restrictions on long and unnecessary phone calls are needed. A timer, placed next to the phone, can help to control the length of calls so that the telephone will be available if it becomes necessary to call a schoolmate to confirm an assignment or discuss particularly difficult homework.

Designate specific areas for homework and studying. Possibilities include the child's room or the kitchen or dining room table. Since many children will study in their own rooms, function becomes more important than beauty. Most desks for children really don't have sufficient space to spread out materials. A table that allows for all necessary supplies such as pencils, pens, paper, books, and other essentials works extremely well.

Consider placing a bulletin board in your child's room. Your local hardware store sells wallboard that might not look too pretty and isn't framed, but a 4 x 3'section is inexpensive and perfect on which to post pertinent school items. You might want to paint or cover it with burlap to improve its appearance or let your child take on this project.

Most successful students are organized students. Encourage the use of a small book or pad for writing down assignments so that there is no confusion about when certain assignments must be turned in to the teacher. Most schools offer agendas/planners because they want encourage students to stay organized.
Should the radio be on or off? Contrary to what some professionals say, there are children who seem to function all right with the radio turned on to a favorite music station. Parents need to evaluate this option on an individual basis. Consider a short trial period where your child studies with radio and see what the results are. If their productivity is positive and grades are meet your expectations, then it could be ok for your child.
Consider you child's developmental level when setting the amount of time for homework. While high school students can focus for over an hour, first-graders are unlikely to last more than 15 minutes on a single task. Allow your child to take breaks, perhaps as a reward for finishing a section of the work.

Organize study and homework projects. Get a large calendar, one that allows space for jotting down things in the daily boxes. Rip it apart so that you (and the child) can sequentially mount the school months for the current semester. For example, you can tear off September, October, November, December, and January and mount them from left to right across one wall. Have the child use a bold color writing instrument (felt tip pen) to mark exam dates in one color, reports that are coming due in a different color, et cetera. This will serve as a reminder so that things aren't set aside until the last dangerous moment.

Help your child to feel confident for tests. Taking tests can be a traumatic experience for some students. Explain to your child that burning the midnight oil (cramming) the night before a test is not productive. Better to get a good night's sleep. Students also need reminding that when taking a test, they should thoroughly and carefully read the directions before they haphazardly start to mark their test papers. They should be advised to skip over questions for which they don't know the answers. They can always return to those if there's time. Good advice for any student before taking a test: take a deep breath, relax, and dive in. Always bring an extra pencil just in case.

During a homework session, watch for signs of frustration. Adequate learning can’t take place and little can be accomplished if the child is angry or upset over an assignment that is too long or too difficult. At such times the parent may have to step in and discontinue the homework for a period of time. Your child may to take a few 10 min breaks to keep their frustration level down.

Gently discuss school progress on an occasional basis. For example, parents can ask "how things are going at school?,” "How did the math test go?," "How did you do on the English paper?," "How's your science project coming along?,” and “Need any help?" are questions that aren't "third degree" but indicate interest. Be tuned in to statements such as "He's an awful teacher," "She goes too fast," or “I liked my teacher last year better,” etc. This may be the child's way of indicating frustration in understanding content. Stay in contact with you child’s teachers regarding their performance. However, be cautious in contacting teachers without your child's awareness. It may disrupt good feelings between you and make you seem to be too interfering and spying.
Keep in mind, that be A Blessing homework help should always be given calmly and cheerfully from parents. Grudging help is worse than no help at all!

Dr. Nicole

Be A Blessing: Courageous Single Parenting

2010-02-01T07:26:00.000-08:00

One of my closest friends is an outstanding single parent. He sucessfully manages more in one day than anyone else I know. Yet, at times he still fights the fear of failure. I have also helped many single parents in my practice under a variety of circumstances. Single parenting is one of the toughest roles to succesfully navigate because the pressure to succeed is high, you are often battling guilty feelings, and learning to accept that no one can be a perfect parent. It takes courage to trust that no parent ever hurt their child by making a few minor mistakes. It's okay if you forgot to pack his lunch for school, or bought her the wrong size shoes. Consider that making errors and accepting them will teach your child not to be too hard on himself as well. Being a blessing as single parent takes amazing COURAGE.

First, it takes Courage to accept the all the responsibility of a single Parent. Successful single parents accept the responsibilities and challenges of single parenting. They neither minimize nor exaggerate problems but seek solutions. They acknowledge the difficulties (such as a lack of personal time, a restricted social life, sole responsibility for meeting multiple needs, and financial stress) without self-pity or bitterness. One of my client's had a husband who died suddenly and unexpectedly after 12 years of marriage. She was left with 2 sons to raise. She was devastated for a time. Ultimately she made a plan and carried it out. She was able to provide well for her family.

Second, it takes the Courage to have faith in a firm commitment to family first. Successful single parents make the family their highest priority, which often means putting the needs of the child first. They genuinely sacrifice time, money, and energy for the sake of the children. They try to be supportive and patient and help children cope. Like other effective parents, they are consistent and not highly punitive.

Third, it takes Courage to take the time to foster Open Communication as a single parent. Despite any lack of time, successful single parents encourage clear and open expression of thoughts and feelings in the family as a key to developing honest and trusting relationships. Talk to your child about your day and invite him to talk about his. Each evening at dinner, share something you liked about your day (the best part) and something you didn't like about your day (the worst part). Allow your child to do the same in return. Sharing creates a stronger bond and helps you and your child understand that having a bad day is okay. You'll also support each other by communicating. You won't feel so bad about feeling overwhelmed and he will recognize that everyone has days that aren't so great. Such communication can foster individuality within a supportive family unit.

Fourth, it takes Courage by single parents to keep discipline at home. Successful single parents manage the family needs well. They strive to be well organized and dependable, and they work hard to coordinate schedules. They take pride in their ability to financially provide for the family, although finances still remain a struggle. Many parents make the mistake of trying to make up for a divorce or bad relationship by giving their child everything they can. Your child will start to take advantage of that and may become "spoiled". Realize that it's okay to discipline even though you feel your child has been through a lot. In fact, it's healthy to teach your child that something he did was wrong by enforcing it. Whether you use time-outs, take away a reward (toys, TV, video games...), or ground a child, understand and believe you are helping your child to become a strong and well-rounded person. You are not a bad parent because you are not giving your child everything he wants.

Fifth, it takes Courage for single parents to maintain self-care and traditions. Successful single parents take care of themselves. Despite lack of time, these parents recognize that caring for themselves is also important. They do so through physical, spiritual, emotional, and social means. They are connected to others on whom they can call on for practical and emotional support. Get advice on how to handle situations and relieve some fears about raising a child alone. Often, others can help you put thoughts into the best perspective. Do not feel as if your not being successful because you aren't handling the stress alone. Everyone needs someone and it's okay to get help from others. Research shows that successful single-parent families also maintain traditions, whether bedtime rituals, special family times together, or holiday celebrations. Maintaining traditions is a stabilizing force, something that can be depended on.

Take courage and Be A Blessing as a single parent today.

Dr. Nicole

Be A Blessing: Parenting the Difficult Child, Ages 7-11

2010-01-18T10:17:00.000-08:00

Difficult behavior is often a child seeking power and attention. The good news is that there are positive ways to diminish these negative behaviors by providing structured, respectful, and consistent parenting strategies. Here are my Be A Blessing tips for parenting difficult children:

*Don't underestimate the power of just listening. Find time every day to listen to him talk about something that interests him.
*Discontinue physical punishment to prevent or break a negative cycle that could lead to abuse, resentment, and feelings of worthlessness.
*Let him know he is an important part of your family and community. Help him find a group where he can feel a sense of belonging - sports team or church group.
*Find an opportunity every day to tell him that you love him. Be a good role model in your patience and support.
*If you are married present a united front in all of your interactions with the child.
*Reveal the consequences for misbehavior before the behavior occurs. Establish with your child what privledges he will lose if he displays a particular behavior.
*Have just a few rules but enforce them consistently. Keep the rules and consequences visible for your child, by displaying them in your Kitchen.
*Establish regular routines and a clear structure for your days. Help him plan for good behavior by discussing upcoming activities, what he will encounter and how to behave.
*Avoid arguments and power struggles. The best way to defuse a power struggle is to disengage. Apply your consistent, clear, and concrete consequence for arguing or tantrums using a calm, even tone.
*Provide short time-outs for misbehavior. A 10 min maximum limit is good for this age group.
*Make sure he has plenty of time for daily active play and exercise. 25-30 min after school will help him release some of that extra energy and stress from his day at school.

For long standing serious behavior problems, begin to seek help for your child at an early age. Diagnoses and interventions that work may take some time and you may need the help of a mental health professional. Consider contacting a psychologist for a full assessment of your child, then follow up on their recommendations for therapy and support for you. It's important to note that Be A Blessing parenting of difficult children starts with recognizing that extra time and commitment will be required to cope with your child's behaviors. Therefore, be certain to take good care of yourself too!

Dr. Nicole